This was in the recent issue of Maxim magazine, and is currently doing the rounds. Occasionally it’s worth relaxing the stance of ‘withering contempt’ for men’s mags on the off-chance they turn up the odd gem. Yes, it’s silly.

Enjoy.
Doing these things is always a good thing!

1 - Sniffing your own armpit
2 - Discreetly tickling your own nuts with a pen in your pocket during a meeting
3 - Buying a better dinner than everyone else you are having dinner with
4 - Being sick and knowing that after this one’s done you won’t need to be sick anymore
5 - Throwing something into a bin from a distance
6 - Piercing the foil cover on a jar of coffee
7 - Getting up early on a Saturday and still doing fuck all, all day
8 - Setting fire to the bottom right-hand corner of something
9 - Kissing the back of a girl’s neck
10 - Scratching an itch that’s actually up your arsehole, without skidding your own kecks
11 - Listening to “Ace of Spades” on headphones while doing other cool stuff
12 - Slapping someone on the slappy bit of their slaphead
13 - Plunging the knife in, over and over again, even after the bastard’s clearly already dead
14 - Adding brown sauce
15 - Swatting a wasp to death
16 - Draping clean underwear over your face and laughing manically from underneath them
17 - Grating cheese
18 - Imagining someone somewhere is telling someone else that you’re a great dancer and that you have a massive cock
19 - Throwing a soft thing at someone’s head
20 - Inhaling strongly as a very sexy lady walks past you on the street
21 - Throwing a hard thing at someone’s groin
22 - Pretending to fuck stuff
23 - Drinking some chocolate milkshake, doing a really beaming grin at someone, then forcing the milkshake out through the gaps between your teeth until it dribbles down your chin
24 - Popping into a laundrette and having a quick smell
25 - Holding your breath for ages until you start to hallucinate, then breathing again
26 - Diving spectacularly to catch a ball
27 - Singing popular songs and replacing the odd lyric with profanities
28 - Shifting your testicles into the other pant-leg, so the pant-leg they usually live in gets a chance for the thigh-sweat to dry out
29 - Twanging a plastic ruler against your desk
30 - Operating an air-horn
31 - Washing your genitals
32 - Putting crisps in your sandwich
33 - Watching a film that has John Candy in it
34 - Letting a bogey go crispy before you pick it, so it pulls a few nosehairs with it
35 - Getting in a shower with a woman (not your mum)
36 - Doing tequila slammers
37 - Jumping, at full stretch, from one elevated bit of concrete to another elevated bit of concrete
38 - Shitting outdoors
39 - Cleaning out your bellybutton when it hasn’t been cleaned out for a while
40 - Revving a car engine as loud as it will go
41 - Pausing mid sentence to picture yourself having an orgasm
42 - Scratching your arm, finding a small scab, then picking it off
43 - Holding his head underwater until you can finally feel his resistance subside, then holding it under longer for good measure
44 - Getting young children to say “shitfuck”
45 - Having a piss when you’re waist-deep in water
46 - Pretending to throw a stick for a dog, but not throwing it, so you can watch him run off all excited, then look around all confused, then come back to you all sad, unable to understand why you would betray him like that
47 - Stretching your scrotum up over your cock so that it looks like a pink hairy beanbag
48 - Blowing as hard you can down any sort of wind instrument
49 - Turning the quilt over in the middle of the night, so that it’s freezing for a minute or two, then warms up again
50 - Coughing just as your opponent is taking a shot
51 - Leaving the pub early to go home, knowing you have porn in your bag
52 - Kicking a football really hard into an empty net from two yards away
53 - Dropping something that has a very, very, very long way to fall before it hits the ground
54 - Ordering pudding
55 - Putting your hand inside the thoracic cavity and feeling you way around all of the victim’s major organs while the body is still warm