This was in the recent issue of Maxim magazine, and is currently doing the rounds. Occasionally it’s worth relaxing the stance of ‘withering contempt’ for men’s mags on the off-chance they turn up the odd gem. Yes, it’s silly.

Enjoy.
Doing these things is always a good thing!

1 - Sniffing your own armpit
2 - Discreetly tickling your own nuts with a pen in your pocket during a meeting
3 - Buying a better dinner than everyone else you are having dinner with
4 - Being sick and knowing that after this one’s done you won’t need to be sick anymore
5 - Throwing something into a bin from a distance
6 - Piercing the foil cover on a jar of coffee
7 - Getting up early on a Saturday and still doing fuck all, all day
8 - Setting fire to the bottom right-hand corner of something
9 - Kissing the back of a girl’s neck
10 - Scratching an itch that’s actually up your arsehole, without skidding your own kecks
11 - Listening to “Ace of Spades” on headphones while doing other cool stuff
12 - Slapping someone on the slappy bit of their slaphead
13 - Plunging the knife in, over and over again, even after the bastard’s clearly already dead
14 - Adding brown sauce
15 - Swatting a wasp to death
16 - Draping clean underwear over your face and laughing manically from underneath them
17 - Grating cheese
18 - Imagining someone somewhere is telling someone else that you’re a great dancer and that you have a massive cock
19 - Throwing a soft thing at someone’s head
20 - Inhaling strongly as a very sexy lady walks past you on the street
21 - Throwing a hard thing at someone’s groin
22 - Pretending to fuck stuff
23 - Drinking some chocolate milkshake, doing a really beaming grin at someone, then forcing the milkshake out through the gaps between your teeth until it dribbles down your chin
24 - Popping into a laundrette and having a quick smell
25 - Holding your breath for ages until you start to hallucinate, then breathing again
26 - Diving spectacularly to catch a ball
27 - Singing popular songs and replacing the odd lyric with profanities
28 - Shifting your testicles into the other pant-leg, so the pant-leg they usually live in gets a chance for the thigh-sweat to dry out
29 - Twanging a plastic ruler against your desk
30 - Operating an air-horn
31 - Washing your genitals
32 - Putting crisps in your sandwich
33 - Watching a film that has John Candy in it
34 - Letting a bogey go crispy before you pick it, so it pulls a few nosehairs with it
35 - Getting in a shower with a woman (not your mum)
36 - Doing tequila slammers
37 - Jumping, at full stretch, from one elevated bit of concrete to another elevated bit of concrete
38 - Shitting outdoors
39 - Cleaning out your bellybutton when it hasn’t been cleaned out for a while
40 - Revving a car engine as loud as it will go
41 - Pausing mid sentence to picture yourself having an orgasm
42 - Scratching your arm, finding a small scab, then picking it off
43 - Holding his head underwater until you can finally feel his resistance subside, then holding it under longer for good measure
44 - Getting young children to say “shitfuck”
45 - Having a piss when you’re waist-deep in water
46 - Pretending to throw a stick for a dog, but not throwing it, so you can watch him run off all excited, then look around all confused, then come back to you all sad, unable to understand why you would betray him like that
47 - Stretching your scrotum up over your cock so that it looks like a pink hairy beanbag
48 - Blowing as hard you can down any sort of wind instrument
49 - Turning the quilt over in the middle of the night, so that it’s freezing for a minute or two, then warms up again
50 - Coughing just as your opponent is taking a shot
51 - Leaving the pub early to go home, knowing you have porn in your bag
52 - Kicking a football really hard into an empty net from two yards away
53 - Dropping something that has a very, very, very long way to fall before it hits the ground
54 - Ordering pudding
55 - Putting your hand inside the thoracic cavity and feeling you way around all of the victim’s major organs while the body is still warm

“High Court rejects itunes.co.uk dispute review.

Internet domain names registrar Nominet has been handed a victory in its court case with entrepreneur Benjamin Cohen, who had disputed a Nominet ruling ordering him to give the iTunes.co.uk address to Apple.”

Likely not the final move in the ongoing saga between Ben Cohen and Nominet/Apple, but one that disappointed me.

The dispute has been running so long now that even though I have kept in touch with it I struggle to recall each and every back-and-forth in its history, but I’ve always thought from the outset that Cohen has been manhandled by the courts, Apple and Nominet. Let’s check out the score:

2000, November - Cohen registers the domain for his own business when itunes itself wasn’t in existence, let alone in the UK.
2001, January - itunes comes into existence.
2004, October - Cohen offers to sell the domain to Napster, Apple’s rival, who he was already redirecting 4000 hits to, per day. They declined.

Apple offered him $5000 for it, but he declined and asked for an extra zero on the end. Apple declined.

2005, March - Nominet rules that itunes.co.uk should go to Apple saying that the domain registration was ‘abusive’ (formally cyber-squatting) and that Apple had rights to the brand.

This is despite the fact that he registered it in 2000. Yeah, what?

That would have been the final straw but Cohen made a challenge to Nominet’s impartiality, claiming they had a bias against smaller parties. Today’s decision overturns that.

The www.itunes.co.uk URL currently redirects to www.apple.com/uk/itunes.

It’s Phriday again: “So the concept is taking a book/movie/TV show, and switching the title with that of another unrelated piece of work, but the title has to work just as well or better than the original title…”

..and it only took a couple of hours.

This was a little quicker.

The current in-production thread is located here, and very amusing it is too.

“Flaw Allows Children To Unlock X-Rated Material In New Harry Potter Book

…Children as young as eight have reported finding sexually explicit sequences just like that spread throughout the book thanks to a flaw in the publication process officials are calling the “hot cauldron” mod…”

I KNEW IT!

“There’s Sex In My Violence! What’s this lame soft-core porn doing in my ultraviolent “Grand Theft Auto”? I am outraged!”

Thank God. I mean, thank God there was a screechy and pointless uproar over the fact that violence-addled teenagers can, via a free downloadable patch, watch badly animated semi-explicit soft-core sex scenes interspersed throughout the No. 1 best-selling video game, “Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas.”

Elsewhere, some giant asshat of a man raises similar “issues” with The Sims 2:

“In a manifesto sent today to press outlets, Thompson focuses on dismantling the Entertainment Software Ratings Board and exposing what he calls the industry’s “latest dirty little secret.” The secret’s out now, and it involves nude sims.”

Guess what? People have sexual organs. And I can conjure them up with my mind!

MESSAGE TO GOD: I DONT WANT TO SHARE THIS EARTH WITH THESE PEOPLE ANY MORE.